Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
