On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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