I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
she peed on how many people?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
