He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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