Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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