Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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