look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
