I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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