I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
