My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
