matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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