Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
