So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
are you so shy because you have an std?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
