Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
