I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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