Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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