i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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