I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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