I think my fart just growled at me.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
