Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
