My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
