I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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