sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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