Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
