I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
