On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
