She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize