Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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