you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
