its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
