New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
