I can tuck mytits in my pants
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
