i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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