rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
