I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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