I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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