Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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