you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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