Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
