I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
dude. I can hear the air.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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