If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
