You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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