it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize