dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
