im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
