Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
