You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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