I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Naked. naked and bneed help.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
