when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
