you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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