I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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