the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
