if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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