my phone needs a breathalizer
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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