ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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