I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
