I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
