Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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