Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
