I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
