woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
