I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
