No awkward lesbian experiences without me
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
