Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
